Quote of the day: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi
Forgiveness is a powerful healer - it allows one to take back part of what was taken away. It empowers you.
Here is a story of a friend that needs advice - in it I find a very strong woman who, despite all she has had to endure, is doing her best to overcome and move on. Read this and help her answer: How does one forgive?
Honestly, I'm not quite sure what it is I'm hoping to find here in this community... an understanding ear, maybe someone who's been through a situation similar to mine, or someone who would have good advice on how to deal with the issues still arising. Or maybe just a place to vent on occasion when the frustration becomes overwhelming. I'll start near the beginning and let you decide where you think I need the most help. I am starting near beginning because I still have many issues that haven't been dealt with there.
When I was a child of 10, I awoke one night with a heavy weight on my chest and legs. As I gained awareness, I realized it was a person with arms and legs sprawled across my body and I was esentially being held down. I became frantic and twisted and wriggled my way out from underneath this person, immediately running upstairs to my mother's bedroom. When I woke her and told her someone was in my room however, her reply was " well go turn the light on and see who it is." Needless to say, this person felt safe to try it again, and this continued for several years... and escalated to the point of sexual abuse... until he was arrested on an unrelated crime.
At one point, my complaints finally heard by teachers and clergy, made their way to the state and my mother was forced to do something, she took me to a counselor, but because I wouldn't tell him the details of everything that had been done, he said " or at least my mother claimed he said " that I had wanted and even made those thing happen to me. Because of the molestation, I became pregnant soon after I turned 14, at the time, I didn't even know what was going on, but, thankfully, I miscarried. All I knew is that I had been on my cycle for 3 weeks... my mother took me to a doctor and he performed an exam, asked if I was sexually active ( I didn't even know what that phrase meant ) my mother said " she is, but she tells me no " and if looks could kill, I'd have dropped dead right there.. that was all...
A year later I became pregnant again, I miscarried again, but I learned that the reason I lost the second child was because the first fetus was still inside me and had tried to infuse itself with the second. The Doctor who performed the D&C was my friend's father and he let me in on a few things. He did not like my mother to say the least... it was about this time I got up the nerve to rebel against my family... I got engaged. I had my first son shortly after I turned 17. That engagement didn't last long, I found him cheating on me... stuck with mother again, telling me I was an unfit parent, would never amount to anythng... I finally turned 18 and moved out.
I didn't see her again until I was 21, I had a second baby and his father and I had just split up... I moved in with her for support, but nothing had changed, I was still the worthless scared child I had always been... then the man who'd abused me as a child tried to rape me again... I asked my brother to take guardianship of my baby as I planned on jumping off the highest bridge I could find... I ended up on a semi truck and eventually found myself stranded in Wyoming when some truckdriver wanted sex and I told him NO... he tried to choke me.
Since I landed in Wyoming, I have been married twice... the first one always said " I've always felt it's my way or the highway, but I'm afraid you'll choose the highway " but when we had our son, he felt he had me trapped and that was no longer an issue... wrong! We've been divorced 12 years now.
My second hubby was worse, he was an abusive drunk who liked to kick me with his steel toed boots. I haven't seen or heard from him in over 6 years now... Many many years later... I have found a decent man who loves me for who I am, I have a good job as a lab technician at a very repectable place.
I have found my middle son, and although there are still alot of issues to work through, we're trying. I am still trying to find my oldest son. I am now in contact with most of my family after 15 years of being " lost " I was "found" when my stepmother finally located me to tell me my mother was on her death bed. I travelled 18 hours to see her before she died, just to tell her that I did still love her ever after all that had transpired. Even on her death bed she was the same hateful, uncaring woman who'd raised me.
Now, my issues are... I know I have changed my life, I am a better person than the child who lashed out against the world for the pain I felt. But, I don't feel that I can forgive my mother or even myself for the misdeeds of my past. My step mother keeps telling me that I cannot heal until I forgive myself, but I have lost track of how much of my mother's blame I have taken on... at what point do I start blaming myself... how can I forgive the things I've done?
- Searching, On the Path to Forgiveness
Dear Searching,
Your stepmother is a wise woman. You should allow her words, her love, to help you regain some of what was lost to you a long time ago. Forgiveness is done for ourselves - to free ourselves from the past. Forgiveness is the path to healing. You were betrayed as a child. You were thrust into things no 10 year old should have had to deal with. You were not at fault - your rebellion was a direct result of this betrayal. The fault lies in those adults that were supposed to protect and love.
But casting blame is not the answer either. It's only the first path to forgiveness. Realize what was your responsibility, and what was others. There are many things that were out of your control - and you dealt with them the best you could at that time. Realize that and then forgive those at fault.
Forgiving means letting go - letting go of the past and moving forward. I know that you will find the courage to take this last step. You've already come so far. Understanding is the first part - getting there may take more time. Allow yourself the time to venture on this journey at your own pace.
You have shown great courage in your life. You are trying to make amends for your past: you re-made yourself and are reaching out to your children and your family. But most importantly, you have allowed yourself to be loved for who you are - you deserve this and much, much more.
- Donna (AKA ChatterBox)